December 16, 2006

I'm Covered In A White Floury Substance, Might Be Cocaine, Might Be Flour

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So in the past week I’ve made butter tarts, mincemeat tarts, chocolate-chocolate cookies, lemon sammies, tangerine drops, rum balls and chocolate chip cookies. You thought I was done baking? I’m just getting started. Nothing says Happy Holidays like the smell of cookies baking in the oven. Apparently the gym I go to disagrees. The gym is probably against cookies in general, but they haven’t come out and said that to me, yet.

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Instead of greeting me with a plate of cookies, (just what everyone needs when they go to the gym) they’re greeting with an obnoxious electronic Santa voice. Usually when I swipe my card at the gym a little bell dings, signifying that my card has been accepted. Since December, all that has changed. Now when I swipe in, bells start jingling and are followed by a very loud and drawn out “Ho ho ho! Meeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrryyyy Chriiiiiiiiiisstmmmaaaas!” I can’t get away from it fast enough. This supposedly jolly voice follows me down the hall as I rush towards the changeroom. I can handle a little ding, no big deal, but Santa and his bells have got to go. I offer my deepest sympathy to the girl who works at the desk and hears this roughly a billion times a day. I’m sure it haunts her dreams.

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And speaking of Santas who have got to go; add mall Santas to that list. They’re just creepy. I question who the person is that wants to have whiny children sit on their lap all day long… The worst is if you happen to be in the mall when it’s not very busy, like in June (it’s getting to the point where Santa lives at the mall year round) and you walk by and he calls out to you with something like “Have you been a good girl this year?” or “What would you like for Christmas little girl?” Look Santa, I was never a little, let’s not get into the naughty or nice thing, and I don’t care what you say, I’m not coming to sit on your lap. I just want to buy myself a new cookbook and get out of here.

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The kids love Santa though, so I guess that’s why he stays. And in the end he’s teaching them life lessons. How so? The year they learn Santa’s not real, (sorry if you’re hearing this for the first time) is traumatic but it serves a purpose too. Welcome to real life kids, it’s not all sugar plums and fairy tales. I happen to be one of the eldest of 32 cousins and as such, I’ve witnessed the hopes and dreams of many children dashed when they find out that Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and the rest of them don’t actually lug around a fat guy in a red suit delivering presents. Christmas at my Grandparents’ house every year involves one of my Uncles dressing up as Santa and handing out the presents. And every year, that Uncle is conveniently missing when Santa shows up. It’s very much a Polkaroo situation, with my Uncle returning after Santa has gone and saying things like “Santa was here?? And I missed him AGAIN?!”

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We need to simplify this whole holiday thing, all of them, no matter what you celebrate. Mr. Costanza had it right, what we need to do is gather ‘round the Festivus pole, (and in my version of Festivus) eat cookies and be happy. Today’s cookies, (in order of appearance) were linzer cookies, sugar cookies, snowgingerbreadmen, coconut cookies, oatmeal cookies and more linzer cookies. Happy Festivus everyone! See you at the pole.

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22 comments:

rachel said...

I vote for cocaine!
Your cookies are seriously cute!

FreyaE said...

I tried to convert everyone in my office to Festivus. Nobody seemed interested until I mentioned that a trational Festivus meal is meatloaf and bourbon.
-Paul

K & S said...

Not only did the photos bring a smile, but your writing too! Well done.

St├ęphane said...

I can't find the difference between kitchen (I mean: flour) and cocaine but, hem, there's one I think (I hope?) I've never tried. I love the last photo (Good for my mom, I'm gonna try this for Christmas) ;-)

Lis said...

OMG I couldn't agree more. Ever since seeing Bad Santa with Billy Bob Thorton, I can't shake the feeling that every mall santa is a drunk, miserable man who is whiling away the hours upon hours of snotty kids sitting in his lap with thoughts of how to blow the mall up with bombs made from common pantry ingredients.

The cookies are adorable! You've been a busy girl! I especially like your snowmen.. are those poprock noses?

Happy Festivus!

Anonymous said...

i vote cocaine too! awesome post and your cookies look beauiful and delicious. i LOVW the teddybear cut outs!!!

thordora said...

sigh....now I want to make more cookies. Yours look SO yummy....

bea at la tartine gourmande said...

How nicely seasonal! Really cute! So many choices!!

Anne said...

Your cookies are absolutely awesome! They are so cute. I like the snowmen cookies :) best of all.

Julia said...

Hi Brilynn,
yummy looking cookies, they are so pretty!
Great thinking! ;)

peabody said...

All of those look really wonderful. You need to take a break from baking and enjoy all these great treats.

Claire said...

I think that I would go CRAZY hearing a Ho-Ho-Ho everytime I go to the gym. It might make me stay home! I'll take the beep! All these cookies look good. I can't wait to make "Christmas cookies" (iced sugar cookies) when I get home on Christmas eve. Until then, I'll bake random things to put in Christmas tins for friends here!

Cate said...

All the cookies look divine - our son would love the snowman ones! My baking day is tomorrow...

Ellie said...

Awesome cookies - I'm particularly digging the teddy linzer cookies!!

Btw, your joy package arrived on Friday to my doorstep! Thankyou soooo much! I am going to blog it, but it'll have to wait till I have a rare thing called time :(

veron said...

that's what I try to explain to the "hungry" hubby that you cannot bake without being covered in flour :). Great looking cookies! I especially love the linzer ones.

Jann said...

You have been very,very busy! All of the cookies look so festive-I need to be living next door so i could run over for a sample!

Bruno said...

Beautiful assortment of cookies.
I say bring a plate of cookies to the gym every time you go... I'm sure they will disappear quickly! F. the calorie counters, they don't know what they're missing!
Happy holidays Brilynn.

Tanna said...

I really like the strips! They are all really lovely. You get an A++ in decorating. Wonderful assortment.

Meeta said...

Brilynn, awesome collection. I can't beleive the impeccable decorations on each.

Mall Santas do need to go! They can be such a pain. We have them on our Christmas Market - very confusing for a 4 year old when he sees 4 different Santas in an hour. All saying the same "Where you a good boy?" "What do you want for Christmas" The last time Soeren just said "I told you that a few minutes ago - you have a rotten memory!" Hmmmnn!

Kristen said...

I love your writing style! You are so funny.
The cookies are beautiful as well... I especially like the little Snowmen!
Very nice job.

Jeanne said...

You're just on a cookie high! And I'm with you on creepy mall Santas... shudder. Your pictures are too gorgeous and I must add that I am heavily impressed at continued gym-attendance when the festive season is already in full swing ;-)

Anupama said...

You have captured the christmas spirit full blast.