“The chicken was as sweet and succulent as my pristine ass. And my apartment wasn't even on fire when I came home, which is nice.”
Classic Pete. If you want to read more of Pete’s smart alec remarks I encourage you to visit his website where you’ll find his Word on the Street column which he writes for The Homer Index, (of which he is the news editor).
The following is my letter to said editor, regarding his phone call to Kmac.
When Kmac told me you called her to ask about how to cook chicken I was hurt. You said she was the first person you thought to call when you were standing in your kitchen in need of poulet help. Granted Kmac is talented in all areas, (that’s why I’ve put her in charge of my life) so I could see how you might think to call her, but come on! K has only made a few appearances on my food blog, she hasn’t written it! In the future I expect to be first on your speed dial for all food inquiries. To show you there’s no hard feelings, here’s my advice on how to roast a simple chicken:
Preheat your oven to 350F.
Take your chicken, pat it dry and make sure there are no innards tucked inside, (if there are, remove them). Then, get a lemon and cut it into slices, you might need two, depending on how big your chicken is. Now you’re going to have to get your hands dirty: start at the back and slide your hand between the skin and the body of the chicken, it should separate fairly easily. Then, slip the lemon slices into the space you’ve made, laying them flat against the chicken. Rub some salt and pepper over the entire chicken.
Next, you need a pan to roast your chicken in. Pretty much anything will do, so long as it has some sides so the chicken juices don’t escape. If you have a roasting rack, put your chicken on the roasting rack, in the pan. But don’t panic if you don’t have one, so long as you’ve got carrots, you can make your own. Wash and peel your carrots and slice them in two lengthwise so that you can lay them flat on the bottom of your pan as a makeshift rack and put your chicken on top of the carrots, (make sure to tuck in the chicken wings so they’re not flapping everywhere). That’s all there is to it.
Put your chicken in the preheated oven and let the oven go to work. A 5 lbs chicken will take approximately 1 ½-2 hours. To determine if the chicken is done you can use a thermometer, which should register 180F, (180F is the FDA safe temperature, but other sources will tell you the chicken is done by the time it hits 170F) or you can pierce the chicken and check to see that the juices run clear. When you take the chicken out of the oven, remove it from the pan and let it ‘rest’ for 10 minutes with a piece of aluminum foil over it to seal in the juices before carving.
There you have it, a simple lemon roasted chicken. If you happen to have any leftovers, I suggest making chicken salad sandwiches, (sprouts optional).
Good luck Pete.