October 24, 2006

“I Don’t Know What You Came To Do Girl, But I Came To Party”

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Clearly, an explication is needed. The Amateur Gourmet is hosting an amusing contest. He has asked people to design a dish that fits the description “Female on a Plate.” How exactly did he come up with this contest? Well, it all started when New York Magazine asked Usher:
“What kind of dish would you like to inspire?”
Usher’s reply was:
“Female on a Plate. It would be any kind of dessert I eat--chocolate cake, banana pudding. They have Sex on The Beach. Why Can't I have Female on a Plate?"

The rules are simple: Design a dish that fits the description “Female on a Plate.” You can be as literal as you want to be, you can take the high road or the low road as long as the road leads to “Female on a Plate.” Readers will vote for their favourite, (please do!).

Personally, I thought this was hilarious. However, from the comment section on Amateur Gourmet it seems as though quite a few people were offended by Usher’s statement and the subsequent contest to fulfill his wishes. Feminism, schememinism! This is funny people! Usher isn’t going to be offended if you think he’s sexist, in fact, he’ll never even know. The only people who are hurt by this statement are the ones who get themselves all worked up over nothing. Why should I get mad at something so trivial? Especially when it’s so funny…

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When I decided to enter, (which was immediately upon hearing about the contest) I wanted to make two submissions. I highly doubted that Usher has a problem getting any kind of “Female on a Plate” that he wants, (interpret that however you’d like) but I wanted to give him a little choice. Based on Usher’s comment that he likes banana pudding and chocolate cake, I planned to incorporate variations of both of these into my dish. I could picture what it should look like so clearly. The end result was supposed to be a brownie tower that had been hollowed out and filled with puréed caramelized bananas and rum. The tower was then to be covered with a shiny white meringue style icing, drizzled with caramel and chocolate sauce and topped with spun sugar. Voilà! Female on a Plate.

You have probably noticed that there is not a picture of this. That is because although I had all of the components described above, I failed HORRIBLY at putting them together and it ended up being a plate of brownish/yellowish mush. Not a female. I then tried to reinvent my dish by freezing some of the mush and then turning it out onto a plate in a dome shape. I tinted some of the extra icing pink and covered the dome and then wanted to put strawberries around the base with a chocolate drizzle. Part way into doing this, the frozen dome forgot that it was supposed to be frozen and everything melted together into a decidely unappealing glob. Once again, not a female. Sigh. I had such high hopes for this dessert. In my head it was really going to be something amazing. Unfortunately I have nothing to show for my efforts except some added fat around my mid section, (just because it was ugly, doesn’t mean it wasn’t edible).

So now Usher doesn’t get a choice, he has to accept my second version of “Female on a Plate.” I’d like to say that I was inspired to create this dish by a friend of mine who routinely “crosses the line.” He’ll often say something so completely ridiculous that it results in 1- The conversation ending abruptly (also known as a ‘conversation killer’). 2- A lot of laughter and jokes at his expense for years to come. And 3- Somebody telling him he’s so far past the line that he can’t even see it anymore. But that’s why we love him. “Female on a Plate” definitely seems like the sort of dish that this friend would invent, and he would certainly not take the high road to get there. With that in mind, I leave you with my submission for the Amateur Gourmet’s “Female on a Plate” Contest. You always knew Barbie wasn’t as innocent as she seemed.

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wheresmymind said...

Oh my! That's quite a plate to start off a Wednesday with ;)

peabody said...

LOL...that picture is soooo funny. Though it is giving me Varsity Blues flashbacks.

Anonymous said...

You are too funnty. I think this was probably the better choice of the two submissions although the other probably tasted better.

Anonymous said...

Female on a Plate? Hum... now that's a concept to mull over. :)

Ari (Baking and Books)

Ellie said...

LMAO!!!! Awesome entry, hope you win just for the sheer originality of your entry!

Pille said...

A dear friend of mine recently gave me a book called "Naughty Cakes". It's full of female-on-a-plate cakes, though has a healthy dose of men-on-a-plate recipes, too:)

neubie said...

You got my vote.

gattina said...

The banana pudding you described really sounds yummy! And I wish I was this Barbie... love this contest's theme!

jer said...

haha..... good one..

I voted for you

tya said...

wahahaha... nice